There’s an interesting article I just read in the New York Time by James Braly in which he complains about how his wife’s late breastfeeding (to their 5 year old child) is ruining his attraction toward her. It’s an incredibly personal piece and one which has raised a lot of conflicting and rather emotional comments. Curiously, the article is published in the New York Times section on motherhood, even though it is written by a man and from a man’s perspective.

It is not just a personal piece, though this is how it is written. It is a topic which is of interest to many men whose partner has become overly attached to their child. This is widespread as there are many experts, with quite a few followers, who believe in a longer and closer physical attachment between mother and child than most women in previous decades used to give, and this includes breastfeeding to an older age.

Now, there is no physical need for a 5 year old child to breastfeed. This child has teeth, he can eat solid foods, he can chew, and he can eat all sorts of food, not just his mother’s milk. So, this is a decision that has no real necessity other than the need of a mother to feel close to her child in her special way based on her belief in what’s good for him.

The problem is, as Braly writes, is that for some men, breastfeeding at a late age becomes a big turn off. It stands to reason as it does seem unnatural to a degree and breasts are a highly sexual body parts.

However, breastfeeding is simply a symptom of a problem that many couples face after childbirth: Child Latching.

Child latching means that one (and sometime both) parent has a physical contact with a child, even after the child is no longer a baby, that exceeds what we’ve been used to these past few years. In some household the parents and children sleep in the same room, in others breastfeeding continues for years, etc. The particulars change from one household to the next, but the basics are the same.

What the problem is with all of this?

I won’t go into the effects Latching has on children. This isn’t my territory. What I will talk about is the potential effect on intimacy in a marriage. It can be quite grave.

For instance, when children sleep in the same room as their parents, how are these parents supposed to find any time and privacy for intimacy? Either they would need to have sex with their children in the same room or not do it past their bedtime.

As for lengthened breastfeeding, it may turn some men off. It takes away from the sexuality of the breasts and their appeal to a man and turn them, in his eyes, into something else. It is hardly surprising that some men feel that their partner has stopped being a wife and become a mother. It can lead to a lower sex drive in men. Women may wonder what the problem is, but let’s just say that there is a problem for men.

Now, some would say there is a bigger problem in such a marriage in which breastfeeding is a turn off for the husband. They may be right and they may be wrong. However, when a man voices his opinion in a cry-for-help appeal, it is not right to dismiss it and lay all the blame on some mysterious underlying problem. It is time to talk about Child Latching and remind both mother and fathers that they are also romantic partners. They need to find the balance between child rearing and being husband and wife.

For children, the happiness of their parents and stability of their marriage is very important, perhaps more than breastfeeding until they’re five. So, parents should work on their marriage for the sake of their children as well as their own.

However, if you want to fix your sexless relationship, you must face facts and be ready to fight for your relationship, knowing that this might take time and that you may face rejection along the way. If you keep your head buried in the sand, you will never find the strength to take action.

And take action you must because the very worst kind of advice a person in a sexless relationship or marriage can get is to do nothing, hoping this will go away. It won’t change unless you deal with it and work through it. If you’re looking for some form of help for your sexless relationship, you need to first look within you. It’s in your power.

Identify a possible trigger

The first step you need to take is to consider possible triggers. Often, people lose their passion for their partners due to some fight or resentment. You’d be surprised how resentment can fester and grow for a long time. It’s possible that due to some form of disagreement (something you though was long solved), that your partner is in some form punishing you. He or she may still love you, but they are punishing you, often without even knowing it.

If you do find a trigger, now is the time to clear the water between the two of you. It might be enough to bring back the passion. However, there is not always an apparent trigger. Dig deep, but don’t lose heart if you don’t find an obvious reason.

The cursed routine

Routine is one of the biggest enemies of passion. Routine is often boring, repetetive by nature, and far from exciting. Couples often full into a routine – the wrong kind of a routine and this kills the passion between them.

To make sure this doesn’t happen to you, make it a habit to try out new things together (and I’m not just talking about the bedroom). Try out new activities like hiking, trekking, dancing, eating out at different places. The key is to get back to a dating mode. To bring back the excitement of dating. And it can be done regardless of how long you two have been seeing each other.

Communication

Naturally, communication is the key of any good relationship. You need to be open with one another. You can talk about the sexless state of your relationship, but don’t cast blame. This will never help. Make sure to express your love and promise to work through the problems you have. If your partner loves you, he or she will make the effort.

Final Note

I don’t recommend marriage for people in sexless relationships. There is nothing magical about marriage which will help. Work through your problems first and only then move forward in your relationship.

You can do a lot to heal your relationship. Read the right following articles for you:

When your marriage or relationship becomes sexless, this is even harder to talk about as there’s a grea taboo on this topic and while society is slowly coming to grips with it, there is still quite a ways to go before this can be openly discussed without all sorts of silly people smirking, laughing, shaking their heads, or thinking nasty things about you or your partner.

This is why a lot of people tend to keep the fact that they’re living in a sexless relationship to themselves. They don’t want other people to know about what they’re going through. They want to be able to make it seem like everything is alright. They don’t want to feel embarassed.

But is this really a good thing? Is this the course of action you should take? Should you keep the fact that your relationship has lost its passion to yourself or should you share it?

Naturally, there are pros and cons to sharing this with someone that you need to consider. In the end, the decision is ultimately yours alone. No one can make it for you.

Let’s go over some of the things you need to consider, both the pros and the cons.

Pros:

- One of the traps you shouldn’t allow yourself to fall into is trying to make everything appear to be alright. You may end up believing it yourself. It’s very easy to disregard what’s really going on in your life and hope that things will improve on their own. They probably won’t. You need to take action to fix your sexless marriage. It won’t happen otherwise.

- Telling someone your troubles is therapeutic. It can bring a lot of relief. Doesn’t it feel like a heavy burden that you’re carrying, this secret? Trust me, it may be a great feeling of satisfaction to share this with someone and not feel alone anymore.

- You’re in this relationship. You feel the anguish, frustration, confusion, and pain involved. You may be unable to come up with solutions or good ideas to make it better. This is where a new perspective may come in handy, may prove to be the way to a better reality. You can only find this person if you’re willing to share what you think with someone.

Cons:

- Naturally, there is some risk in exposing yourself. You need to make sure you share this with someone you can trust to keep this to themselves.

- Don’t let telling someone else prevent you from addressing this issue with your partner. This is the one true way to solve this.

I do believe that sharing can be a good idea. Find a good friend, someone loyal to you, and seek their advice. It can be one of the best things you’ve ever done.

Many people think that there is absolutely no sex in a sexless relationship. But this is a misconception. In reality, sex may not be completely absent. Some therapists even put a minimum number for a marriage to be called sexless, the most common statistic being fewer than 10 times a year. But for some people, even twice a week may seem insufficient. What people want varies from person to person. So, there can be no rules regarding this. If you feel like you’re not getting enough physical intimacy from your spouse, your marriage is sexless.

It is wrong to believe that there is no love between spouses in a sexless relationship. This need not be the case. In fact, most people stuck in sexless marriages are deeply involved in the marriage and are reluctant to walk away. They may stay in a less-than-fulfilling relationship for years. That is why it is important to find a cure for a sexless marriage as quickly as possible.

To cure a sexless marriage, one must first understand the cause behind the lack of intimacy. People may experience the lack of intimacy due to:
- Commitment overload
- Stress
- Financial problems
- Fear of losing a job
- Strain of keeping up with children
- Medical problems
- Medication

Identify the reason behind your particular problem. Once you identify the problem, you are ready to start solving it.

Another huge problem that anyone in a sexless marriage will have to deal with is the lack of communication. You could probably be stonewalling each other. You can’t have a communication when one of you is sleeping on the couch. Communication can resume only after you have identified the problem and both of you are willing to resolve it.

Once you are communicating with each other effectively, the going is slightly easier. At the very least, you are united in your desire to find a solution, and that could itself become the strongest bond between the two of you.

Once you’re talking, it is important to have some time dedicated only to yourselves. No kids, no TV, no Twitter and no aimless web surfing. Just you, your spouse and some music.

If you are ready to initiate physical intimacy, it is better to have some sort of an agreement beforehand. That way, there will be no pressure of expectations and both of you know where you’re going with this newfound intimacy.

A marriage cannot succeed unless there is some amount of compromise. So, it is always recommended that there be some give and take, whatever the issue is. The same applies to sex. Even if you’re not in the mood, indulge your partner.

Take small steps at a time. Little by little, you will open up to the old feelings of passion.

Wrong! This is just a myth.

Men are as much emotional and mental creatures as women are and their sex drive is affected by numerous outside factors.

For instance, if a man has trouble at his work, this will create a lot of stress which is known to directly affect sexual stimulation and desire. It’s not just you who needs to be calm and collected to enjoy sex, men need the same things.

So, ask yourself if there is an outside factor which may affect your husband’s sex drive. If so, you need to help him deal with it as best you can. Do it as a team.

Stop blaming yourself

The most common thought which springs to women’s mind when their husband stops wanting to have sex is that he doesn’t find them attractive anymore or doesn’t love them. This doesn’t have to be the case and is likely not the reason why your marriage is sexless.

Although you do need to make sure that you look your best by working out, dressing nice, smelling nice, and so on, your husband probably still finds you attractive and loves you. You don’t need to look for the reason in the mirror. It is probably somewhere else.

Since you need to feel close to your husband to crave sex, ask yourself if you two have drifted apart recently. Men need an emotional connection as well, they crave intimacy just as you do. If you two don’t spend enough time together, hardly do anything special, lead a boring routine, then it may be the reason why your husband doesn’t want to have sex anymore. You need to work hard to make your relationship as close and intimate as it once was.

Physical issues

Before you try to analyze your relationship, you need to rule out physical issues. If your husband suffers from erectile disfunction, it’s only reasonable for him to not crave sex. This is something which can and should be treated and the results may surprise the both of you.

If your man has started to take medication of some sort, it may have caused an hormonal imbalance which is lowering his Testosterone which can explain why his sex drive is diminishing. Ask your doctor what can be done.

You have to make sure to be gentle with your husband because this is a delicate issue. However, with the right support, you can be a great help to him and motivate him to seek treatment.

Spice things up

You can and should do what you can to spice things up in the bedroom. You have to feel comfortable with anything that you do, but variety does help spark a man’s interest. Make sure that you two don’t fall into a boring routine and you will do much much better together.

Above all, don’t lose hope. You can do a lot to cure your sexless marriage and bring back the passion. It is mainly up to how your work to fix your relationship and how you learn to reignite your love.

This is a highly embarrassing and painful subject so it is not easy to broach. In addition, you may accidentally talk about it in the wrong way so that your partner will shut you out or will otherwise not be responsive.

If you are ever to fix your sexless marriage you should be able to talk about things in an environment of trust, openness, and love. This isn’t such an easy thing to do but it can be done and must be done.

Here are some tips:

1. Don’t set ultimatums unless you’re sure you want to – You can set an ultimatum just once if you want it to continue being effective. You can’t expect to be taken seriously if you make empty threats. Therefore, only threaten separation, divorce, or anything else if you’re prepared to carry this threat through.

2. Don’t cast blame on your spouse (and not on yourself either). Casting blame will cause your partner to shut you out. He or she will not listen to you as you’d like them to. Therefore, present your sexless marriage as a couple’s problem and not your spouse’s problem alone.

3. Be positive – Talking in a positive tone with positive sentences is a great way to elicit the response you want. Instead of saying something like: “we don’t have enough sex”, say something like “I would like to have more sex. It’s something I long for”. This is a positive sentence which immediately sets a better atmosphere for the entire conversation.

4. Don’t make this a daily conversation – You can’t talk about the same thing day in and day out. It will drive your spouse crazy. Make sure that you lead a full life and talk about other things as well.

5. Make sure to express your love – This is a hard thing to talk about so make sure your spouse knows that you still love them even when your sex life has diminished. This will help make the conversation easier and smoother.

6. Talk about how you feel frankly – Make sure to truly express what you feel in a way which will really get through to your spouse. Don’t be shy as you’ve come a long way in even broaching the subject. Lay it all out. Be open and frank.

7. Ask your spouse’s opinion on what needs to be done to improve things. Make him or her a part of the process. It’s important to get their cooperation for every step to be able to fix your sexless marriage

Increasingly, though, I get visitors who aren’t really sure that they’re actually living in a sexless marriage or not. They know that there is something seriously wrong in their relationship. They’re not happy or satisfied in it. However, they don’t know whether this qualifies as being sexless. It’s as if they want nothing more than to hear that everything is OK, as if being told that their marriage is not, in fact, sexless will somehow make everything better.

For this reason, I decided to compose a short sexless marriage quiz and post it on this page. It’s not a scientific quiz by any means. It is a short list of questions that I view as important. You can either accept the results or not as you wish.

But before I get to the quiz, it’s important to state that the commonly referred to sexless marriage definition states that a couple need to have sex 10 times a year or less in order to qualify for this dubious title. I don’t agree to this definition as I feel that it’s an attempt to put into definite terms something which is emotional. I believe that this is a personal decision that each person needs to make for themselves.

So here are a few questions that you need to answer. The more Yes questions you get, the more likely your marriage is to be sexless.

My Sexless Marriage Quiz

1. Do you have sex less than twice a month?

Again, this isn’t a frequency which is set in stone. However, it is a good indication of what’s going on.

2. Was the last time you had sex over 6 months ago?

The longer it’s been, the more clearly you can state that you’re in a sexless relationship.

3. Is your partner showing little or no interest in sex?

4. Do you need to initiate all sexual contact?

5. When you do have sex, do you feel as if your spouse is “doing you a favor”?

6. Does your spouse show little willingness to discuss this issue or sex at all?

7. Do you feel frustrated and confused by the lack of sexual intimacy?

8. Is your partner behaving as if everything is alright or that you are the one who has a problem?

I feel that if you answered YES to 5 or more of these questions, then you’re probably living in a sexless marriage and you need to take action to fix it. However, know that this is a personal decision and that no one can decide for you how you feel.

I hope that this sexless marriage quiz has helped you to see things more clearly.

It’s a tough question because sex has a very important place in a marriage – for a reason. Sex is part of the glue that holds a marriage together. When you are just getting to know your mate, good sex brings you close emotionally and physically. As the years go by, sex is as much as expression of affection as it is of need. It is something that we all expect to be part of a marriage. A marriage doesn’t even seem like a marriage without it.

So, it takes a lot to be happy in a sexless marriage. You need to make a big mindset switch. If there is no intimacy in a marriage, one or both partners could be feeling the strain of emotional estrangement.

Here are some tips to help you remain happy in a sexless marriage:

First, be honest with each other in exploring the reasons for the lack of sex. Is it that you have suddenly lost interest in sex altogether or just in sex with your partner? If it is the latter, you might find it difficult to be honest with your mate. But, you need to let them in on the painful secret.

According to marriage counselors, nagging and blaming can kill marital happiness faster than anything else. So, if you want to stay happy in a sexless marriage, you have to get past the bitterness. You need to stop blaming each other or yourself. What good would it do, anyway? What if the blame is yours or your spouse’s? It does not change reality. It certainly doesn’t make it better.

Even if sex is out, you could still find fulfillment in your marriage by being intimate with each other. Kiss, snuggle and hold each other. Express your need for each other in a way that satisfies you emotionally.

Even if your marriage has become sexless, there is no need to act as if you are asexual. Instead, go on frequent dates with your mate. Do all the fun things you used to do together. Give yourselves a break from the hard feelings. Try to touch each other often and slowly build up the physical intimacy again.

A purely celibate relationship is a great strain on your psyche. But, if your spouse is worth it and if you are unwilling to walk away from the wonderful history you share with a great human being, then, you need to try hard and walk the delicate line.

I can fully understand the need for urgency: in some cases people have been living in a sexless marriage for years and they see little hope in every improving things. They feel as if they’ve waited long enough. They want things to change and they want them to change as soon as possible.

I’m afraid that my answer isn’t going to be a good one: it may take weeks and it may take months. It’s impossible to tell in advance since each relationship is different than the other. However, a quick solution is unlikely as the problems you may be facing which are the real cause of your sexless marriage may not be so easy to fix. They may require a lot of work and time to correct.

Some of the factors which determine how soon you’ll be able to feel your partner snuggled up in your arms are:

1. How long it has been since you’ve had sex or since you’ve seen this deterioration in your sexual encounters. The longer it has been, the harder it will be to resurrect the passion. It is simply the way habits work: the longer they’ve been a part of your life, the more effort is required to break them. Nothing is impossible, in my opinion, but you need to be realistic.

2. Is the love still there? With some couples the lack of sex is a sign of a deeper lack of feeling. If the emotions have died, it takes a much deeper healing process to bring back the relationship to any kind of state worth keeping. It can take a while. It may also never happen at all.

3. Is there a physical problem – Generally, as we’re not doctors, the books we’ve written don’t deal with physical problems. They deal with relationship issues. If a man is incapable of having an erection due to physical problems or a woman suffers from some injury to her private parts, it is out of our hands. In some instances, certain medications can lead to a lower sex drive. These issues should be discussed with your doctor and often a solution will be easy to find.

4. How dilligently do you work to improve your relationship and make it vibrant and fun again. This is something only you can know for yourself. We try to show you the way in our books, but only you can do what it takes to cope in your sexless relationship and improve the interaction between you and your partner.

Regardless of how long it takes, don’t give up. If your marriage is worth saving, fight for it. It’s up to you to make it last and thrive.

The statistics regarding sexless marriages state that around 15% of married couples in the United States live in what is defined as a sexless marriage, which is sexual intercourse occurring 10 times or less each year. Of course, each person has his or her own sex drive and needs, so only you can determine what is sexless for you. In my opinion, there is no set definition.