A great part of all marriages are battling some or the other type of sexual problems. One of the common problems is a lack of sex or the near lack of it. If you’re having sex 10 times a year or less your marriage is defined as sexless. Even if you’re experiencing it a bit more often, you may be quite unhappy with how things are going. This may be leading to tragic consequences for your relationship.
If the passion in your marriage has dried up suddenly, for whatever reasons, you must be experiencing an overriding desire to play the blame game.
If your spouse does not respond to your need for physical expression of love, it is only natural that you feel bitter about it. To start off, you might blame your partner. But, at some point of time, you may also start blaming yourself. You may wonder if it is because you have become frumpy, flabby or grey. Is it because you have become unattractive somehow? Is it because you are unable to fulfill some inner need? Is it because of certain issues in the past where you took a firm stand on an issue? The topmost question in your mind is, “Why is s/he doing this to me? What did I do?”
Understand that self-blame can get you nowhere. Your mind might try to make you feel like the villain, more so if your self esteem has always been fragile. Even if you have a high self-esteem, when your spouse denies sex, it can be deeply painful because it is one of the worst kinds of rejections a person may experience. It might even feel like you need someone to blame just so you can stay sane!
Blaming yourself or your spouse for the state of your sexless marriage is counterproductive. You’re only pushing your partner away from you even more. If they are sleeping in the same room up until now, blaming them will simply have them shifting to the couch!
Instead of a destructive attitude, try to be proactive. Both partners need to accept a part of the blame because passion does not dry up overnight. A sexless marriage is just the symptom – the real cause is something else. Find out what it is.
More importantly, you have to work with your spouse to decide on the way forward. How can you change your relationship for the better? How can you get back the old fire? How can you attain the same irresistible desire to shower your mate with love?
It is easy to pass up responsibility or feel guilty. But, these negative emotions will simply stop you from looking at the problem from all angles. The desire to blame can blind you. Only when you get past the blame game can you start seeing the way ahead of you.